Live Life-lah and Love Yourself....

To be totally honest, I grew up a very insecure person. I suffered from depression and there had been countless times I thought of committing suicide. 

To be honest, I have strangled myself with a belt, and a scarf until I lost consciousness and I have also taken many different medication around the house which made me sick and puke but at some point of time, I did feel so unwanted God even did not want me....

 

I have even self harmed myself countless times with scissors and keys which only left ugly scars and scratches on my arms and legs... and bitten myself on the knees and arms to escape the pain and void I had deep within me. Sadly, the people around me except the perpetrators were all clueless and in the dark as to how I was feeling.

And that was how much I hated my life and hated myself.....

I was big sized and pretty annoying in school because of my problems at home. And I did not quite have any really close friends, maybe just a handful or so , who somehow stood by me and still became my friends against all odds. (To these people, thanks from the bottom of my heart) There were not any guys who had any crushes on me as I was not pretty or dainty except those who did want to take advantage of me.

To escape an abusive home where my innocence was sullied and ripped from me in the cruelest way possible, I got married to the first man whom I thought I was in love with and whom actually liked me for me but it was also a mistake as we were too young back then and did not know what real love was.

And with that I also got divorced at a very young age, left my kids with my ex mother in law and headed to KL to make my own life with just barely the clothes on my back, and nothing else since I did not have anyone who I could rely on...

My life has been pretty much a roller coaster ride as I struggled to find myself and learn the hard way of not trusting anyone as there were just too many times the trust I slowly gave often got ripped away eventually.

In the search of love and somewhere to belong, I got into danger even without realising it when I fell in love with a wrong man who turned out to be a crook. I had fallen for him as he was good looking, sharply dressed and he looked out for me and supposedly cared for me, but it was eventually the blinders around my eyes got ripped off when I found out he was an Indonesian Eurasian and he was a big time crook dealing in scams and even prostitution. He even threatened my life when I told him I wanted out of the relationship, saying I knew his secrets and all. I learned some valuable lessons there though…

Somehow, through it all, I manage to survive and get this far in life, even if it is nowhere really where I want to be or so.

I have also learned the most important lesson which had been grinded into me and somehow this lesson came as a reminder from two events I attended these few days… and that is the importance of loving yourself…

I guess in the past I have been too concerned and desperate about being accepted and loved by others, since I had not had a chance of being really loved.. and sometimes, maybe, we can get disillusioned by love as well after everything that had happened in our lives and do not really know love when it really happens.

I have met a lot of bad and selfish people, but at the same time I have had the pleasure of meeting many wonderful people who has coloured my life tremendously, inspiring me as well as making me the person I am today…

And what is the most important thing I have learn is that I have to love myself before anything else. I think that is the biggest mistake many people make. 

We often desire and seek other people’s approval in living our own lives. We want to make our parents proud of us, we want to make our spouses happy, we want to sacrifice for our children, and we desperately want other people’s approval.

 I am not saying that is wrong, but I am saying that before we try to do all that, it is far more important for us to accept ourselves as we are , love ourselves and put us first….

Just like in the plane…. If the oxygen mask falls… please put it on yourself before helping others in your care… in our lives, we have to learn to put ourselves first and make ourselves happy before trying to make our parents /spouse/kids happy..

Since I have started putting myself first, I feel much more at ease with myself and I have learnt to ignore what others have to say about me. I have learned to be more positive and ignore what others have to say or think about me. What matters most is that I am at peace with myself, I accept myself the way I am and I am so much happier then when I was chasing for other people's approval only to end up with more criticism.

There are many times people will always say things that will hurt our feelings , such as the most popular one…. “Wah, you’ve put on more weight!” or something like that.. and if you let it happen, it can drag you down… but instead, love yourself, respect yourself and do the best for yourself and let all those negative remarks wash over you or let it in and out the other ear… the most important thing is knowing you are doing the best thing for you, making yourself happy and with that you won’t have a guilty conscience

So, do what you want to do, go where you want to go, treat yourself to that spa if you want to….do not let anyone dictate your life too much (I let my husband dictate me 50% only, and when I am in the wrong- learn to compromise), just live it the way you want… and when it’s time to go, go with a bang/ or grow old knowing you have fulfilled most of the things you want to do… instead of regrets of “why didn’t I”…

I LOVE ME!!!

Note: Pictures/Quotes are all taken from Google/ the internet and are not mine. I am using them just for illustration and sharing purposes...