Oh my God... this is sooooo like a trick question. Damned if I answer damned if I don't... hahaha... Ok.. I will try to be as honest as I can. Thank God the title is not too revealing and this will only be read by people who really read every bit of my blogs.
Day 4: My views on religion
Day 5: A time you thought about ending your own life
Both questions are very sensitive to some people around me and intertwined in some ways.
I always believe I am a more spiritual person then a religious person.
There had been several dark moments in my life in my younger days. My parents were divorced and my father couldn't be bothered about me.
My mom, she was there but she was also tied up in her own activities, worries and problems. She had a volatile temper too. Sparing the rod never ever crossed her mind.
No one notice what was going on sometimes around or inside me, what was being done to me since I was about 10 until 18, the things that led me to get married at a young age.
There have been a few times in my teenage life when I had strangled myself until I lost consciousness, self mutilate myself with scissors or the edge of a ruler or key. Taken a dozen paracetamol just to have a uncomfortable stomach later on .
I still live on and there has been times I think even God doesn't want me ? I was born a Christian and believed in Jesus and God.
I then converted to be a Muslim when I got married at the age of 19. It was for marriage but for me, God is God. Only after converting I have to learn and understand that Muhammad pbuh is the prophet after Jesus.
It's just that since young, my faith has been very shaken badly. I believe in God, I believe in angels, I believe in the prophets, I pray but there is something missing.
If I can only know what is it and how to find it.
Can anyone tell me how? But oh, please don't start preaching or condemning if you are not in my shoes.
Thank you for sharing dear Miera. Things like these are very sensitive issues but talking about them require a lot of courage and I admire that you were honest. There's not really an answer to have a good prayer form but I know it has to just believing in God/Allah or any deity will leave you in tranquility. I'm Roman Catholic and I grew up in a family setting with it. I believe in angels, saints and the Holy Mother but especially God and Jesus. My upbringing was nice albeit the craziness happening around the time I reached the Middle School era (early 1990s). I never would even imagine ending my life because I wanted to live to see the length of my existence to this very day. Life is too precious to commit these things and certainly one would think that commiting suicide will solve the problem. It isn't. All things that happened in those days are not your fault and probably the cause of what you may feel perplexed to believe. Over the years, I learned to be more a spiritual type as you said in this blog and more aware. I grew up being patient and quiet most of my life. Not because I wanted to but because I can connect with God/Allah personally. It can be a beautiful place away from the city, in the forest, the ocean/beach, etc. One must find the inner peace to cast all fears out from back then. You're always loved and have been loved in the eyes of God/Allah regardless of what happened. Some things are difficult to explain and I completely understand that but they happen for unknown reasons. Your life is better now than before and I know whatever you believe in will bring you closer to the divine. Prayers help a lot and also reflecting on what is best for you. Maybe the reflection of the divine can be seen in all of your loved ones who care about you and have supported you over the years. We are all children of God/Allah and there is good and bad sides but He will love us the same. Love is equal. I hope you will find that answer one day and you deserve the knowledge of being spiritual. I share only my observations with you. Always be who you are sis Miera and I am always happy to hear your stories in these creative blogs. Hugs
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading my blog and for your words of encouragement and comfort. I agree that my life is better now than before. I too hope someday soon my heart will receive the enlightenment it is searching for.
DeleteTake care of yourself too my dear brother